Dear self, You’re a sissy.

There is a lot that I hate about myself. More than the average person. But I seem to compensate that by acceptance. By my being thankful that as a person, I’m not worse. There’s many a gentle guy out there, who hides it by a rough exterior and overflowing masculinity. Problem is, I don’t.

Maybe I can be a hypocrite when times call for it, but never about giving people the wrong impression about me. I have flaws of my own, and it’s sometimes a problem that I display these flaws. Proudly. This comes from my avoidance of being a conformed, indoctrinated sheep like most people are. I don’t follow the flock blindly, believe, or do something just because so many people are, including fashion. I think for myself. If it’s logical, I’ll do it. If it’s right, I’ll do it. If it isn’t, I won’t.

One of my greatest flaws that I hate so much is gentleness bordering on the extreme. Not being gentle is like force feeding others a bitter, sugarless tea. But being too gentle, is like forcing on them too much sugar. Unless you have an insatiable sweet tooth for dealing with good people, you’ll think that this level of kindness, goodness, sensitivity and sincerity borders on icky tacky stickieness. You may even think if I’m faking it. I wish.

This level of gentleness comes with many big fat qualities that, unless you’re living in a utopia, are big flaws. If you’re wondering what it is like, it looks like this:

Almost naiive kindness: with sayings like “The kind ones have no share” it gets pretty obvious of the fact that a degree of selfishness and unkindness is rewarding. It can even be a requirement. Too much kindness can make you fail to see the potential evil in people unless I force myself to see it.

Lack of Aggression: a characteristic of being a male is to be aggressive. Even the male hormone itself encourages it. There is a healthy dose of aggression that should be displayed. How I wish I had the “don’t mess with me” aura. Instead, all my life in school, in spite of a fairly strong build, I had something like a sign on top of me saying “I’m wide open, bully me”. However, I’m lucky that my strength made me make a point of not being bullied. Bullies knew to steer clear away from me after a good beating, but I hate the fact that I was a target in the first place. The same kid is now a man; this lack of aggression and kindness give me a degree of passivity and insecurity.

Sensitivity and insecurity: as a result of being a target, even in adulthood, you become insecure. Kindness makes people walk all over you. Doing my best to avoid being walked over makes me quick to misinterpret people, triggering negative behavior. Sensitivity is born. I’m not talking about the useful at times side of sensitivity of romance or passion (that does not mean I lack that, either). I am talking about the insecure kind of sensitivity.

The feminine side: If it isn’t obvious that I’m in touch with my feminine side, I don’t know what is. I’m an example of a sissy. Perhaps not to the point of being homosexual (I’m straight by the way), but my overflowing gentleness led my wife-to-be to say something like “you’re the woman in this relationship”. Perhaps this explains my appreciation of tomboys. All the girls I’ve ever been with were either tomboys, or bordering on being one. I think they complete me like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

I really wish I did not have to write this. Perhaps it shows some courage in me that I’m not afraid to admit my flaws, making my insecurity a not so hopeless case after all. But I don’t like being an “emasculated, infantile complainer” to quote Kurt Cobain’s suicide note. The idea is that this is my first entree in my writers’ challenge “30 days of truth”. Today was “something you hate about yourself”. So the point of this is not to complain. For you, it is to give you experience. For me, it is to share, to release, and to breathe.

18 thoughts on “Dear self, You’re a sissy.

  1. animalover19 says:

    I think you were very brave to write about this on your blog. But I don’t think kindness is a bad thing at all and, even though it can leave you vulnerable, I think it gives you a strength as well. An aura, almost. And only people who deserve to see it do. :)

  2. I think those things that you loathe are probably your greatest strengths. I really do.

    I know we live in a society that forces competition, and creates fierce, vicious people. But, at least you can look at yourself at the end of the day and know that you did good. I mean literally did good, not well. You did good for everyone around you.

    And I think it’s perfect the way it is!

    • Aimer Shama says:

      You know the quote that says that “Evil is good” or “it’s good to be bad”? Now it’s more like “good is bad” or “it’s bad to be good”. This kind of passivity, taking even curses with a smile (happened yesterday) makes me burning up on the inside for a good few days afterwards. I was in an interview, and the guy interviewing me used words like “you’re too soft. If you work for me, I’ll roughen you up till you’re hard!”. He even called me a donkey (pretty offensive here in Egypt). However, I finished the interview like nothing happened, deciding not to show up for the second interview on Sunday.

      • Aimer Shama says:

        Should I have done more? Did I have to get up, slam my palms on his desk, and say “watch your limits”? I feel so bad right now that I’m actually thinking if this is the way to go if my boss disrespects me.

      • Ah, so I see there are some cultural differences. No problem.

        I would believe that’s offensive. I found it kind of offensive, and it’s not a cultural thing here in the US. May I ask what the term seeks to insult? Just for clarity sake.

        Honestly, I think that part right there is just a point of where two people conflict. There is a woman that I’ve worked with that I never just clicked with either. We’re very different people. She’s athletic and rough, and I’m artsy and fragile. The art teacher made a mention of her same problem. I’m guessing she’s maybe one of those “exclusive” people. I’m sure you know what I mean.

        And that might be the case here. He’s one of *those* people. I dislike putting a stamp on someone and being done with it, but I know who *those* people are to me. We don’t click. We have opposing views on everything, right down to the fundamentals of life, even if to have the toilet paper on the inside out the outside. And I know it’s going to become and abrasive mess.

        I wouldn’t be eager to see what looks like one red thread and go pulling. Because it’s not really one thread at all. It’s many. In other words, just because multiple associations of a character trait you dislike pop up in several different contexts does not make it true. I read into things too much. And that starts to give me the entirely wrong idea, like magnifying it.

    • Aimer Shama says:

      Donkey is used to insult someone’s intelligence, while dog insults morals and social standard.
      I know exactly what you mean by “those” people. Funny thing is we now have a term for them. We call them the “remainants” of the old Egyptian Regime. People with “that” personality seem to be supportive of the remainants and we gave “those” people the name remainants too.
      Right now Egypt is divided up between three factions: The evil remainants, the cunning islamists, and the goody-2-shoes revolutionists. My fiancee and I and most her family are revolutionists, same as my mother’s family. My father’s and step-mother’s families are big fat remainants. Islamists may get along with either of the 2 other “factions” but barely, but get a revolutionist and remainant together and a fight is inevitable.

  3. DeeDee says:

    It’s all about balance, which is so hard to strike. You’re just on a different end of the scale than most guys, and there’s nothing wrong with that. A lot of women appreciate it. :)

    And you clearly know yourself. You know what you’d like to work on. That’s good – it gives you a starting place – but you should also realize that you’re fine as you are. Our lives are a tension between change and staying the same. We need both, but it’s hard to reconcile that paradox.

    Turning the other cheek is considered a virtue, is it not? It shows grace and maturity, not to mention professionalism. It often scares other people, believe it or not, because they can see that you’re stronger than they expected when you don’t give in to their attempts to intimidate you. So long as it doesn’t get to the point of bullying, I don’t see anything wrong with it myself, but there may be meaningful differences in cultural norms.

  4. I think you have some major cojones for putting your perceived weaknesses out there. I also think that those “weaknesses” actually make you pretty freakin spectacular. You sound like a rockstar to me! :)

    • Aimer Shama says:

      Perhaps in the blogging community, where so many people are just like that. We’re the sensitive types most of us. Otherwise, we’d be out there talking to real life people, huh? But… rockstar how?

  5. Because calling out your self on your crap is a big deal. And I’m actually not saying that it is crap but rather that these are not things that make you proud. However you are owning them and stating that these are part of you. You recognize that you are designed this way. Now you need to write something saying why these elements of your design might have good aspects. Step back and think about why maybe you don’t actually suck. Or why maybe you do rock. Really. In very simple terms, you are not a bonehead. Not at all. Clearly you have a serious noggin – and that’s pretty fabulous. You are trying to figure out the whole bipolar roller coaster rather than popping copius amounts of pills and sleeping your life away (that was my personal approach and I can confirm that it is about as low as it gets). You have really big good stuff coming your way but you have to let it in. I promise you that I don’t say these things lightly. So been there. So done that.

    • Aimer Shama says:

      You pretty much figured out the surprise I saved for tomorrow. I was going to write about “something you love about yourself” tomorrow, which is day 2 of “30 days of truth” using kindness as the topic as well. Maybe compassion, even if a little bit too much, is better than the complete lack of it.

  6. Summer Moon says:

    I’ve never understood why society views too much sensitivity and kindness as a flaw. If everyone were more kinder and sensitive to others’ feelings and emotions, then I think we’d live in a much more happier society. I know that’s probably just me and my dream of what I wish things could be like, but I’ve always wished people could just be kinder to one another. I game, and I have seen some of the nastiest behavior come out from people in those games. It’s easy to be a jerk when you’re hiding behind a keyboard. But, personally, I avoid those people like the plague. I like to surround myself with people who actually treat others with respect, and with kindness. It’s those people who I feel that I can trust more because they are choosing to be good when they could very easily be quite the opposite. Even if it is not who they are in reality, that still says a lot about who they want to be if they choose to be kinder in an anonymous environment.

    Just as Tallulah “Lulu” Stark said, I think you’re perceived flaws are great attributes about yourself. As for people thinking you could be “faking” the gentleness, I have always been able to spot that, and I think most people can too. One of the easiest ways is just seeing how that person always is. If someone is faking it, they’re bound to mess up and show their true selves. But someone who is real, is going to be who they are always. I met a guy online once in a game I played who I thought was so nice at first. But it turned out he was one of the most manipulative and controlling people I had ever met. He tried to act gentle and kind and sensitive to feelings, but when he didn’t get his way, his true nasty side came out. He couldn’t “fake” it forever because it just wasn’t who he was.

    I agree with what DeeDee said about balance, though. I look at it from the perspective of not having to put all of your kind, gentle, sensitive, in-touch with your feminine side qualities on one end of the balance. Rather, I see it as having a little on one side and a little on the other. Then mix that in with what you want to change about yourself, but not what you want to change for others. It still becomes balanced, but without having to make yourself into someone who you don’t want to be. Anyway, that’s just my opinion. :)

    Thank you for sharing this, though! It’s definitely relatable for me on many levels.

    • Aimer Shama says:

      Thank you too for sharing your opinion. Why are traits like gentleness and kindness associated with the feminine? Why do we say that a guy who exhibits those qualities is in touch with his feminine side? Sounds like something fun to research and write about.

  7. Just a quick comment. I don’t believe sensitivity is a feminine or masculine trait. It is a *desirable* trait. Even a step beyond that, which (to me) would be pacifism, can be desirable. The only problem I have with pacifism is when it is used against you.

    It sounds like the man in the interview is the type to take advantage. Deliberately putting yourself in that sort of position can cause far more harm than we think at first. I hope you make the right decision. If you go to the next interview, watch him closely. Make sure you can work with him before accepting the job. Good luck!

    • Aimer Shama says:

      Haha. I didn’t go. Did I mention that they fine people heavily if they leave their company before two years? There’s no way in hell I’d agree to be tied up like that even if my boss is an angel. The only good thing I got from that interview is the tips he gave me about why he wouldn’t hire me. Things like body language. When I minded those things in a completely different company today, I got accepted right away! The guy also inspired this article which so many of us passionate writers could relate to.

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